Swear to god, I'm gonna write an actual post now! I know it's been awhile.
(And because it's been awhile, this will probably end up being tangential and poorly written. Deal.)
I want to talk about receiving. Maybe it's important to talk about the genesis of this little collection of thoughts and maybe it's not. I'm just going to say this: I had a long email conversation with someone over the past couple days that touched on how we treat the people we purportedly care about. My position is that consideration, kindness, and respect towards the people we love (or say we love) is not extraordinary; it's how we should behave. My correspondent agreed that it's how we should behave, but felt that it is, unfortunately, somewhat rare, and thus is something that shouldn't be taken for granted when it is bestowed on us. I guess I can't really argue that.
But it made me think about how receiving kindness and consideration and respect properly can encourage more of it in relationships.
Despite what anyone who knows me now might suspect, back in the day, when I was married to my ex, I was often a real cunt to him. That is definitely not my natural inclination. (Shut up.) In fact, I frequently fought my spontaneous impulses to do things that he might prefer or enjoy. Part of this was due to the cultural messages that told me that if I put anyone else's needs or preferences above my own or if I wasn't constantly fighting to get my own way all the time, I was a weak and spineless doormat. And being nice to someone you purportedly love would only lead to being taken advantage of. Do what you want! Don't let anybody dictate to you! You go, girl!
Not, of course, that we never did anything nice for each other. I gave him neck rubs and shaved the parts of him he couldn't reach. If he asked. And I wasn't pissed off at him. If I went to bed before him, he'd "tuck me in" by which I mean to say, I'd yell, "S, come fix my blankets!" and he'd come in and arrange them around me the way I liked. Again, if he wasn't pissed at me. There were those little bits of tenderness and care, because we did love each other--in whatever fashion we were able to in our fucked up way, that is. But there should have been so much more.
And I was thinking that one of the reasons that there wasn't so much more, at least from my side, had nothing to do with the cultural messages. It had to do with his being unable to receive in a way that was reinforcing of my behavior. When we first started living together, if we actually had money for groceries I would tell him I was going to cook. And often enough, I'd make something to the best of my 19 year old ability, and he'd "forget" to come home on time and eat it. So, my attempts to make an actual meal would grow fewer and further in between and then he'd complain I never cooked. Which would make me furious and resentful. And led to years of us each just fending for ourselves and rarely eating dinner together. When all he ever had to have done was a.) show up at dinnertime b.) eat what it was I made and c.) say thank you. I'd have been cooking for him.
He also sucked in major, major ways at receiving gifts. I can very rarely remember him receiving a gift from me, or anyone else, that didn't have something "wrong" with it in some way. Nothing was ever exactly what it was he wanted and he didn't ever even have the grace to not let that show. He couldn't take any pleasure in the fact that somebody spent the time and effort to go out and try to buy him something he might like or want or need. It was all about the actual thing gifted, and that thing was never exactly what he would have gotten for himself. It got to the point where he really thought Christmas presents meant you told your family and friends exactly what you wanted, down to the brand, color, and specific model number, and if they didn't provide it for you exactly as you specified (kinda like with a bridal registry, come to think of it!) you had the right to feel slighted. To act slighted. To say as you were unwrapping the present, "no, this isn't what I wanted." I think these days even his own sister doesn't give him anything on gift-giving occasions. That's what that inability to receive gracefully leads to.
See, tangential. But, really, what I mean to say is this: receiving well means people will give to you more. It is a happy circle. Be kind and respectful and considerate to the people you love, but also accept the kindness and respect and consideration they give you. It'll make everyone's life better.
xoxo
2 comments:
Hey there Andrea: That's a really beautiful post. You're absolutely right about everything. I had a friend growing up whose dad would wrap a gift and address it to himself and put it under the Xmas tree, then open it and thank the family for getting it for him. He'd been an actor and has a wacky sense of humor. That's one way to avoid getting the wrong thing!
And I experienced the mealtime stuff with my ex. It's a real bummer and I haven't forgotten it.
I think that part of what goes on is that showing gratitude makes people feel vulnerable to those who've given them gifts. Because who knows where the gratitude has to end? Gifts can be seen as aggressive, too--do they put one in the position of having to reciprocate or get something even nicer for the giver? The whole thing's so complicated.
Hey Ms Jenn :-)
I think you nailed it with the vulnerability part. Not just with gifts, either, but with accepting any kind of expression of care or love. To open yourself to that does mean making yourself vulnerable and that scares most of us.
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