Other than Evil Kitty's health travails, that is. (Which is enough, I suppose.) But everything else I've been pretty silent about, preferring to post pics and videos and talk about the gym and other inconsequentials. Well, it's my blog, bitches, and I'll cry if I want to. Cry if I want to... cry if I want to...
I majorly fucked something up. I paid an important bill late, not because I didn't have the money to pay it, but because I forgot when it was due. And all last week and the week before I was like, lalala, I need to look at those bills and pay most of them. And I didn't. And by the time I did over the weekend, I was late. First I was just pissed at myself for incurring a late charge. Call that 25 bucks a stupidity tax. I've been doing so much better since I set up my little folder scheme in the Great Reorganization of 2009, but apparently I have been backsliding. More about which later. Then, today, in the mail I get the nasty "we're gonna cancel you" letter, "but if you pay up in the next 15 days, we won't." Hopefully my check and the nasty letter have just crossed in the mail and it's okay now and there won't be any awful consequences, but I am completely sick to my stomach over this. And really disgusted with myself and feeling shamed as well as worried.
Here's the thing. I've gotten a lot of props from a lot of people over "holding things together" and making it through the various shitty things that have happened in my life, both since 2003 and of late. I always find that slightly puzzling, if flattering and well-intentioned. It's not like I get a choice. I gotta get up every morning and live. As do you. As do we all. But what's even more puzzling to me is that I'm doing a pretty crappy job and people can't see it. The Benevolent L was telling me this weekend, for example, what a good "kitty mommy" I am for being able and willing to do all I've done during Evil Kitty's crisis. But I think that's the point. I deal with whatever is the immediate crisis until it isn't a crisis anymore, neglecting most everything else. I procrastinate on everything that doesn't have to be dealt with IMMEDIATELY, especially those things that make me anxious. So people see me doing a good job with the crisis, but they don't perceive everything else falling to shit around it. But I know and it makes me feel so ashamed and paralyzed.
I went to the doctor--when? last week?--and I had to do the depression questionnaire I know so well, 'cause I'm on the crazee meds. I answered "not at all" to all the questions and cheerfully told my doc I am feeling great. And at the time I meant it. But, y'know, the very fact that I did pay that bill late (a classic "I'm stressed out and don't want to deal with real life" move on my part) and the fact that making that mistake (a horrible one, but just a mistake) has sent me into such a shame and self-loathing spiral that I feel it necessary to blog about it, tells me that I probably am depressed and I've been stuffing it down or something. The endorphins from the gym and the crazee pills can only go so far.
I have a whole nother paragraph in me, but I think it's just gonna stay in me.
Thanks. This has been very therapeutic. Heh.
xoxo
2 comments:
Every recurring bill I have that is humanly possible to put on an automatic payment--either to my credit card (which I pay off every month automatically with a transfer from my checking account) or directly to my checking account--is on an automatic payment. (the bad news is that you'll lose yet one more litmus test on your depression checklist...)
This includes mortgage, taxes, condo fees, magazine and newspaper subscription auto-renewals, phone bills, electric bills, cable bills, internet bills, gas bills, and stuff I probably can't even remember until i see it pop up on my credit card statement.
The requirement is to always have a big pile of money in your checking account, which I do, for the single solitary reason is that it combines with the autopays to relieve related stress. (Which as you know me, is my one of my greatest motivators, right behind beer and bodywork, which both relieve stress too...)
Won't name names, but I know someone who is finding out just how f'd up BofA is precisely because of similar circumstances, and, in this and many other cases, the suckage can be nigh unending.
Simplify!
Long before B of A owned the world, this shit happened to me. Of course it happened in conjunction with other crises.
Which is why I think we need to arrange the financial world so that the people who run that get to be fucked over like the rest of us.
If you come in off the ledge, there'll be that much more room for the plutocrats when I push them out there ;)
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