and in celebrity news...

I know you all are too far above this and thus look to me to let you know what's what, so lemme do my duty by you!

First of all, headlines are insinuating Lady Gaga is getting fat, because of photos of her performing in which she doesn't have a six pack or four pack or whatever the hell her stomach usually looks like. The poor woman. She probably has her period or ate a pizza or something. God. But, anyway, did you know she's only 5'1? That's why eating a pizza registers on her! Story of my fucking life. That's also probably why the woman goes around in 8 inch heels. (Is that ascribing too normal of a motive to a person who wore a meat dress to an awards show? Perhaps.)

Meanwhile, the Lady Gaga of the 80s and my role model in veinity, Madonna, had a handwritten letter of hers, penned during the filming of A League of Their Own, leaked to the press. As you might expect, she has not a nice word to say about anyone, and mocks and insults her co-stars. Of course, that was before she found yoga and Judaism. I'm sure she's much nicer now!

Also, Christina Aguilera is divorcing her husband and has taken up with Samantha Ronson. Because she's bisexual. And all bisexual women in the entertainment industry must date Samantha Ronson. Why? I dunno. That's just the way it is. However, the even more salacious bit is that Ms Aguilera and her husband had an open marriage and she was "allowed" to do all the women she wanted. I'm sure you all have great sympathy for her soon-to-be ex-husband, right?

Finally, Kim Kardashian turned 30 this weekend, and as the tabloids would have us know, did so all alone, being in-between relationships. Boo hoo. Talk to me when you turn 48 alone and your ass looks like mine, Kardashian!

See that? Now when you are stuck in line at the grocery store, you won't have to read the headlines! You can concentrate on whether you want a candy bar or maybe some gum. This blog is such a public service, I can't even tell you.

xoxo