i h8 ppl who txt

Let me tell you the story of the cell phone and me in my professional capacity.

Back in the mid-late 90s when regular people were just beginning to have cell phones, most of them (if you'll remember) didn't keep their phones on 24/7 and pretty much all of them, cowed by the NO CELLULAR PHONES signs in the hospital, were convinced that if they so much stepped into the lobby with their phones on, they'd kill everyone in the cardiac cath lab. So, people's mobiles were not a problem for me.

As the years went on, people started to use their phones more and most of them came to realize that, indeed, having your phone on wasn't likely to short out some old lady's pacemaker or interrupt the telemetry. (Though even to this day, I get the occasional inquiry about whether I would prefer someone's phone off in case it should interfere with my equipment.) But, in any case, most people were also smart enough to realize that if they were coming to see me, I was going to need their kid asleep at some point and so either turning off their phone or putting it on silent was the thing to do. I never felt the need to post a sign about this. On infrequent occasions, someone will forget to silence their ring and their phone will go off at an inopportune moment. Rarely is it at the worst possible moment, so I accept their embarrassed apologies with good grace and let their own humiliation be their punishment, so to speak. Again, in general, people's mobiles are not a problem for me.

However, in just the last year--I swear it *never* happened before then--I have come across a new phenomenon: parents who are unable to spend 45 minutes or an hour in a quiet room without constantly texting or playing with their iPhone/Blackberry. It is absolutely infuriating. I had, a few weeks ago, a young couple bring their little toddler in. The mother and I spent half an hour or more trying to settle the absolutely hysterical baby with no success while the dad sat there and played on his Blackberry (answering *absolutely critical work emails that could not wait*, I am sure [she said with an eyeroll].) I kept looking at him and thinking, "Douche! Why are you even here if you aren't going to help? Why didn't you stay the fuck at work?" But it isn't my place to say that. Finally his wife *asked* him to please come help. He got that kid to sleep in like ten minutes. Once he was forced to put away his precious phone, that is.

Today I had a mother who spent a good forty minutes in a dim quiet room texting (probably her boyfriend or BFF) continually--I mean continually--instead of paying any attention to her six year old. Or, y'know, zoning out. Taptaptaptaptaptaptap. TAP. After the first fifteen minutes of that, I swear to god, I wanted to take that fucking phone out of her hand, throw it on the ground, and stomp on it. Repeatedly. The noise was like water torture, it's rude, and c'mon now. Nobody ever texts anybody anything that's important. It's fucking inane chitchat or plan-making that can wait till you leave your kid's medical appointment, thankyouverymuch.

So for the very first time since the cell phone era began, I am seriously considering putting up a sign on the interior door of my office that says IF THIS DOOR IS CLOSED, YOUR PHONE SHOULD BE OFF! Because you all don't want me to join the horrendous unemployment statistics in this country when I go mental and smash someone's electronic device, right? Right?

xoxo