I have done some bad things in my life. I'm not talking about things other people might see as "bad" because their morals or ethics differ from mine. I am talking about things that are against my own morals and ethics, things that are indefensible, things that make me shrivel up with shame when I think about them for more than a few split seconds.
Oh, I can explain them. I can tell you clearly how fucked up and unstable I was when I did them. I can blather on about my chemical imbalances and my lack of good role models in certain matters and blah blah blah. But I can't excuse them. They were bad things. I did them. I can't undo them. I can't take them back. All I *could* do was to realize they were horrible things and that I didn't want to be that girl anymore, didn't want to be the person who acted like that. All I could do was change. All I could do was to try to do better, to be better.
So I have. And I guess when I die, my mourners (remember: Red Rock Park, my cremains in individual glass vials for y'all to toss into the Atlantic, then roadtrip to Kellys for everyone, be there or be square) can debate amongst themselves whether I succeeded, whether whatever good things and kindnesses I have done have made up for the shitty things I have also done. I'm hoping if they're my mourners, they'll vote in my favor, but you never know.
And in case you haven't figured it out, this is my obligatory commentary on Teddy Kennedy's death. I am, once again, a citizen of the blogosphere in good standing.
xoxo
2 comments:
Been having a bit of this myself, not sparked by Teddy's death, but that Im making new friends and seem to be scared that they will find out about the "real me" which my fucked up mind is trying to tell me is the person I was in St Louis, depressed, feeling deprived and unloved, so I did some really really bad things, things I regret and fight hard to not do anymore. Like you said, I dont want to be that person who acts like that anymore.
And deep down, I know that is not the "real" me.
I try to accept what I did, and understand that I was not in a good place mentally, nor was I taking care of myself as I do now. Its just very hard to accept that darkness.
Here's the thing, though. How many people go through their whole lives with no self-awareness at all? How many people just repeat the same shitty, destructive behaviors over and over and never even attempt to change? No matter what the things you've done in the past that make you cringe to think of, the fact that a.) they do make you crings and b.) you're doing your very best not to do them anymore puts you ahead of a whole lot of humanity. And I am sure your new friends would think the same.
That's my pep talk for this morning :-)
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