time of your life

I did it. I went on youtube this morning, found the Hey Jealousy video, and listened to it about five times, enough to successfully get it stuck in my head. Then I listened to a few other Gin Blossoms songs. Then I had to actually do some work.

But it called to mind something L said to me a few months ago, which I agreed with: radio was better in the 90s than it is now. Now, she and I have quite different musical tastes in many ways, but we both have some (okay, a lot of) lingering fondness for the "alternative" hits of the nineties. Mine is all bound up with my lingering fondness of the mid-to-late nineties in general. If you recall the strawberry soup story, you'll recall my reminiscing about how in love I was then. And, even better, I felt loved in return. Not that life was all rainbows and kitten orgasms, but it was a very happy time.

So I was thinking about that as I listened to Hey Jealousy and the line "if I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago, I might not be alone" started to resonate. But I knew that was crap, really. There wasn't anything I could have done to make him keep loving me or make him want me, because (as also previously referenced here) you can't make anyone else feel anything, and besides (I thought, kind of nastily) it was his damage that kept him from seeing what he could have had from me. But that's unfair, too, and I would never want to be unfair to anyone, especially someone whom I loved so much for so long--long past the time I had any right to.

I know that the damage is in big part mine. As I've also referenced before, I know there's something in me that doesn't inspire romantic love. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I think I am unlovable or unworthy of love in any way. Nor am I unaware that lots of people love me: D, my dad, some of my good friends. But romantic love? Not over the long run. I have my own ideas about why that is, but it doesn't really matter. I *didn't* blow things years ago. Life is just what it is. No regrets.

I'll leave you with another line from Hey Jealousy. "If you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down."

xoxo

disclaimer: I know, I said no disclaimers any more. But any time I write anything the least bit introspective or wistful, certain friends--and you know who you are--start in with the "are you okay? is something wrong? are you depressed?" and I have to say, no! I'm just thinkin'. So, to forestall that, lemme say in advance, I'm fine, I'm happy, I'm enjoying that it's July, and I'm not even emo/PMS-y. I'm just thinking. Okay? Okay.