Since I figure I'm basically talking to myself at this point, I thought I might as well continue. Because you know how I get, really fascinated with a person, place, or thing for a bit, and then I can go on to something else. (At least I've stopped writing about Hoarders, even though I faithfully watch it every Monday, and have hooked my son into it too. Ahem.)
N E Way. To pick up (almost)where I left off yesterday, last night D was watching TMZ and Access Hollywood after dinner, as he usually does. That, by the way, is my disclaimer about really, seriously, not watching that stuff on purpose myself. Seriously. So, on one of those, they had a clip from a home video of, yes, Beyonce and Jay-Z. Apparently he was surprising her in her dressing room on tour, or some such. It was fascinating. Both their faces absolutely lit up when they saw each other, and she basically launched herself across the room and threw herself into his arms. Hugggggg. Kissssssss. So it is *not* that Mr Shawn Carter is non-affectionate to his beautiful wife. It *is* that he is terribly uncomfortable and apparently unable to be so in public, either because he is in fact too concerned with his reputation as a badass, or because he is terribly, terribly, terribly repressed. I find that sad! He probably needs more massages!
In other news. (Yes, I'm calling it news.) When I was lying in bed this morning, trying to psyche myself into getting up, I had this idle memory of something that happened in the early 90s. As I have discussed, probably ad nauseum, that was not a good time for me, crazee-wise. I was depressed *and* unhappy, and my self-esteem was basically zero. This memory I had today was not of any horrible, traumatic experience or event. But it was something that reminded me of how bad I felt then, and I gotta tell you, it's put me in a weird mood today.
I'm not sure, but I'm suspicious that all the stuff with D's dad the last couple weeks, and the catharsis and (kinda) resolution I felt with that, has dredged up other stuff in my subconscious that I was pretty sure had all been dealt with. I'll probably start crying for no reason during acupuncture today, is what I'm saying. Or maybe I just have PM-fucking-S. The fact I ate half a bag of chips last night during Hoarders points to the latter. But, y'know. It *could* be some kind of important psychological release, not hormones. The chips were probably therapeutic too. Srsly.
xoxo
2 comments:
Oh, I'm listening, but I'm just waiting for a suitable moment to jump in the conversation :-)
Im listening too :-)
Many times things come back that we think we've dealt with, triggered by something, or sometimes they just pop up out of the blue to knock you on your ass. Oh, wait, thats me. ;-)
I have a technique learned from Mr Bill that I use...its caled BRFWA. Breathe,Relax,Feel,Watch and Allow. It takes practice, practice and more practice, and even then, as I discovered last week when Mr Bill gave a talk on it, you may forget it and need a reminder (he shared of some struggles he was having in his life that he didnt know how to deal with, then he remembered to BRFWA) Basically its allowing yourself to feel whatevers going on, breathing into it, relaxing into it, stepping back and watching whats happening in your body and mind-without getting caught in the emotions of the situation- and allowing it to wash over you and through you, like a wave, then letting it go. It is not easy by any means.
Potato chips can be therapeutic, but not as good as chocolate chips or brownies. ;-)
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