Twelfth commandment: Thou shalt not cut off thy penis!
Okay, that was much funnier last night, in context, and after a mojito and a little Jameson's. As most things are. But I was thinking, we need a new system of commandments. I dunno about you and whatever religion you believe/disbelieve in, but us Catholics? We try to shoehorn a whole litany of sins in under those ten commandments and it doesn't work.
For instance, in Catholic school, they tried to convince us that the "thou shalt not kill" was an indictment of all kinds of interpersonal violence, but I think that's stretching it. I really do not see where it says anywhere that if someone hits me in the ankle with their shopping cart at Shaws, I am not allowed to turn around and punch them repeatedly in the face to a nonlethal extent. If god was not down with that, then why'd he give me rage? I ask you. And don't get me started on adultery. The common English definition of that word has to do with married people having sexual relations with persons other than their spouses. Do not insult my reading ability by saying that prohibition covers what non-married people do. And coveting! That one's just outdated. We have a whole consumer culture based on freakin coveting. We all swear that off and we'll be back living in tents and sacrificing goats.
So, Ima work on writing some new commandments that are without loopholes, do not require stretching definitions, and fit in with the 21st century. Considering my new flipflops gave me "stigmata" on my feet, I'm thinking I may be being called to prophethood. Watch out. If I manage to start bleeding out my palms this week, it's a whole new religion, baby. (And you thought Andreanomics was a comprehensive world-view!)
Shoot me an email if you want to be a disciple. Kthxbai!
xoxo
4 comments:
I'd suggest 12 has to be updated to prohibit anyone cutting off anyone's penis--too much Lorena Bobbit loophole the way the first draft is worded.
If your religion is sanctioning "anything goes" between consenting adults, then count me in. (I even think I have enough prior experience to qualify as a Deacon or something). I'm also definitely in if you include wording broad enough to prohibit people from appearing in the third spot in the batting order without actual hitting ability.
Hey, let me point out that "sacrificing goats" is in the Bible, and I haven't seen you with a whole lot of goats around lately.
You're right about the "adultery" thing, it doesn't have anything to do with pre-marital sex. There are really no prohibitions against pre-marital sex or requirements for virginity in the Hebrew Bible. Of course, multiple wives are perfectly acceptable and even required, depending on the circumstances.
And for men marriage wasn't even a requirement. The adultery thing only applies to other married women. Not only was there nothing against having sex with single women, there was a whole system of concubinage that was a sort of formal arrangement separate from marriage.
Instead of adding to the commandments, why don't you just subtract all of Paul's add-on puritanical crap and things would be way more realistic about life.
And then buy a goat pen.
I'm still working on the specifics, but there will be plenty o' baseball commandments, a lack of sex negativity and misogeny, and no goats in my new faith. It's the least I can do.
That's going to be a real problem.
So far as I'm concerned a religion without goats is like sex without orgasms. What's the point?
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