Besides telling you how to get wherever it is you think you are going on the MBTA, having a good eye for design even though I can't draw, paint, sculpt, or otherwise produce any art, breastfeeding, dumbbell rows (PR yesterday, bitches: 45x5x5, with 40x8x1 thrown in for the lulz [my back is strong as fuck, yet my lats will not grow; it is a mystery and an enigma]) and panicking, that is. I am good at shopping. That is one of my other superpowers. Oh, I am not my mother. I cannot get $200 worth of groceries for $42.97 nor can I go into a Building 19/Big Lots/etc and find in amongst the piles and piles of cheap crap the two things that really are great quality and a good bargain. (I attribute this to the fact that I was really supposed to have been born independently wealthy and someone screwed the fuck up.)
No, what I am good at, as far as shopping goes, is finding the place out of all the myriad of options, online and off, that has exactly the [whatever] that you, or I, really want. Since some of my friends are aware of this (and you know who you are), I occasionally am called in for consultation. And thus it came to pass that google ads really really really now thinks I want a new laptop bag. Sorry, omniscient google, but no, I am not looking for any luggage or purse-type options at the moment. You can go back to trying to sell me expensive yoga pants, even though that messes with my self image. (I broke down and bought the Lululemon shorts, btw, and have worn them at least twice a week since I got them. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the gym mirror with them on, I think, "Who's that hot old broad?" so you know they were worth every ridiculous penny. Miracle fabric spun by fairies or something, all y'all. And the parentheticals will stop any.time.now.)
But having spent ridiculous money on shorts and generally TOO MUCH MONEY in July and August, I am now on a shopping moratorium. I broke it, or y'know, just didn't start it yet, by purchasing a big ass air purifier this week. I will spare you the sad story of why I think I need one, but it involves cleaning out the basement, D finding a cardboard box of brand new t shirts down there that he bought in some past manic episode, putting the box of mildew-y t shirts in his walk-in closet, and now even after the shirts have been washed and the box banished to the garage till trash day, my whole downstairs stinks and my allergies are kicking into overdrive. My HEPA air filter assures me it will take care of my mold spores ASAP, but trash day can't come soon enough. And I guess I didn't spare you the story after all! The weird thing is, my allergies did not bother me ever going into the basement or when we were cleaning it and it didn't smell that bad. It's just after stirring shit up or something. I dunno. I probably need to get some extra money somewhere and buy a couple more giant ass air purifiers. Once my review at work goes through, my awesome 2% raise will kick in and I'll get whatever they owe me retroactively. That'll probably be $20. Bad economy, FTW.
I wish some of my superpowers came with money-making properties. "Will dumbbell row for cash." If you see a woman sitting outside the Y with a (non-stinky) cardboard sign that says that and a tin cup, that'll be me. Throw a couple quarters in, willya?
xoxo
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