Mine, that is. I know it is very difficult for people who are normal to understand the brain workings of the crazee. Just think of this as an anthropological visit into a strange land. Listen and learn, I mean to say.
I have been procrastinating on a variety of things that make me very anxious. On the surface, this makes absolutely no sense, because the end result is more anxiety. Anxiety about the matter itself, and anxiety about the procrastination. Plus all the lovely self-shaming about how I should just get my shit together like a functional adult.
Well, one of these things was along the lines of "if y happens and I haven't taken care of x, the disaster of y will be magnified tenfold, but y hasn't happened and probably won't so, lalalala, ignore x as long as possible, because taking care of x will probably turn out to be some protracted ordeal where everything will go wrong and just the thought of how stressful that would be is giving me a panic attack now." Except when anxiety about y raised its ugly head to be worse than anxiety about doing x, I sat down, wrote the correspondence that needed to be done, and mailed it out a week or ten days ago. Relief and terror accompanied taking that letter to the post office. And in today's mail, there was a reply. All fixed. On the first try. No "provide us with more information", no "you must come to the office and sign this, this, and this", no "I'm sorry, but this nullifies the whole thing and we need to start from scratch", no mistakes, no extra charges, no agita. Just proof that everything was now as it should be, and if y happens, I don't have to worry.
I realize that all those other things that I am procrastinating on probably can be handled just as easily, even though I've had huge aggravations about D's MassHealth, the electrical work on my house, my parade of disappearing landscapers, the ongoing inability of CVS pharmacy to do their job properly, etc etc. Even though it *seems* like it, not every single thing always goes wrong. And the procrastination anxiety is probably worse than the "they will fuck this up" anxiety anyway. But that's just how my brain functions. Even on drugs.
I sent out another letter the same day as x. We'll see if any good comes from that one.
Are you wearing your underwear on your head today? If not, why not?
xoxo
2 comments:
Cuz Im not wearing any ;-)
LOL..just kidding, I am, but I am already so brain dead from yoga teacher training this weekend I forgot to do so. I could get away with it today quite easily, Im sure.
I do this too. Procrastinate because Im so anxious about how something is going to work out...which leads to even more anxiety...and when I finally *do* do the thing Ive been dreading, 99.99999% of the time, it turns out not as bad, and most times even better than what I had thought would.
I have no answer. :-(
I hear underpants as sun hats is the new thing. Or we should make it so. :-)
I'm really really considering finding out whether my health insurance will cover CBT, because just working on it on my own obviously hasn't helped and neither really have meds or acupuncture. The meds and acupuncture help when I'm already in panic mode, but they don't help me get "unfrozen" when anxiety is causing me not to deal with shit.
Post a Comment