[In my defense, the first post was really yesterday. It could have posted at 11:59 pm had I walked up the stairs faster.]
I knew this was going to be a comedy goldmine full of blogging potential. It's almost as good as riding the prison bus without earbuds in. Let's have a tutorial this afternoon on how to not win at internet dating! I'm sure none of all y'all need it because you have enough social skills not to NEED internet dating or you're all happily coupled up with the love muffin of your fondest dreams. Or both. But just in case some random person wanders through here, let's be instructive.
Tip #1 for not winning: send a woman you have never spoken to before an email in which you say, "I'm interested, but I need more pictures." Dude. No, you do not. I can guarantee you I am too hot for your 57 year old, balding ass, even with my rapidly atrophying vagina, and I do not intend to prove it to you photographically before you deign to speak to me. Besides, you don't know the difference between "seen" and "scene". Get someone who's not illiterate to proofread your profile, and while they are doing that, you can contemplate whether the reason you've never been married and/or found "that one special person" is that you are a clueless, and apparently entitled, dick.
Tip #2: send a woman you have never spoken to before an email in which you nicely ask how she is doing and then say that you are doing fine, except for the crushing loneliness. Leading off with a portrayal of yourself as incredibly needy and pathetic will not make chicks take pity on you or even give you points for honesty. Instead, it will make them fear that you will cling like Saran Wrap on Tupperware and that you have the potential to go full stalker mode if rejected.
Tip #3: send a woman you have never exchanged a word with a short email in which you suggest that since you live close together, you meet for coffee or a drink. When woman does not immediately reply with enthusiasm to go out with a complete stranger, wait a couple hours and email again, this time saying that you're now at your computer, not on your Blackberry, so you can write more. Tell woman that your compatibility score is in the upper 80s and it doesn't get much better than that. So you should go out for coffee or a drink. Hint: this is roughly equivalent to approaching a random attractive woman on the T and suggesting she go on a date with you because you are getting off at the same stop. And when she is not enthusiastic about the prospect, trying to convince her that since you've read that book she's carrying too, you really really need to go out.
Okay, and when all of the above are blissfully married by next year while I am still planning my LL Bean Sex Repelling wardrobe, you can tell me the reason that I am still single is that I'm a big bitch and that my advice is worthless. I will not argue with you.
xoxo
6 comments:
I've always figured that giving yahoos free advice on how to mask their yahooliganism is counterproductive--it just ups the effort needed to identify them in order to eliminate them from the candidate pool, and what's the advantage to that?
Creepy: ten years on and these people still don't know jack.
Let me point out that I've gotten sex *while* wearing LL Bean.
Many times, in fact.
You're going to have to try harder to repel the menfolk. ;-)
You're very right, of course. It's too much to expect they could be taught to not be clueless, entitled, desperate, or pushy; you could only teach them how to hide it better, which is a bad thing.
Mr Indemnity, the sex repellent qualities of LL Bean clothing only works when heterosexual women wear them. Try to keep up, wouldya?
As for shriveled, dried-up etc.: I just saw a news story about Rita Moreno's forthcoming one-woman show.."without makeup." This woman is about to turn 81 and is still hot as a pistol. Must be the dancing.
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