I have not been doing what you would term "well." When one spends most of a Red Sox game and pretty much the entirety of a Pats game quietly weeping on a friend's sofa--NOT, I hasten to add, that those games did not deserve wailing and rending of garments--it suggests that the ol' brain chemicals might need a little, uh, tweaking. Your humble correspondent is off the evil hormones that weren't doing her mood any good (though they were instrumental in helping beat down that uterus) and so far, the withdrawal from same has been no picnic. Both Marcy and the covering MD at my PCP's office were of the opinion that the combo of the evil hormones plus the general anesthesia might possibly have--and I'll use the technical, medical term here--fucked me up even more, but who knows?
In any case, I am on emergency benzos now, which while they stop the panic attacks, do not (OBVIOUSLY) stop me from crying for little to no reason or contemplating black, black thoughts. I do believe the next stop at next week's MD appointment is going to be antidepressants. And, um, if they consider the physical problem I have going on and do something about it, not just tell me it's hypochondria or an allergic reaction, THAT'D BE JUST PEACHY TOO.
So, yeah, here's the other thing, though. Remember how I was freaking out about money oh so very recently? Being on the Ativan and thus calm, plus being depressed, has kicked me back into wanting to spend money.
I bought me some boots:
I bought me a case of the Mrs Meyers All Purpose Cleaner off Amazon. I almost bought those kitchen lights I already posted here, but then I decided to wait till my ET Cash In actually hits my paycheck, which I am hoping is this Thursday. And I am justifying this by the fact that I have been trying (sorta) hard to not spend money (no pedis x 2 months equals ugly feet, but since the rest of me has been ugly in my depressive state, who the fuck cares?) and, yeah, ET Cash In, baby. But basically I know I'm doing it to make myself feel a little bit of pleasure, which has been lacking. I promise not to go overboard.
I also promise I'ma take a shower soon and go rake leaves, despite the fact I could easily spend all day on the couch.
xoxo
6 comments:
Hope the brain chemicals get straightened out soon. ((HUGS)) My own havent been so good either. Thank goodness dogs understand. They just put their heads in your lap and let your cry on their necks. Or lick your hand and let you know with those big brown eyes of theirs that its okay, let it out. And, that its gonna be okay. Or they act goofy and make you laugh and forget about being blue. Some do all of the above. :-)
Some people do all that too.Well, not the hand licking. ;-)
My yoga teacher suggested that I do poses that make me sweat(and laugh), build up heat, get me moving. Raking leaves would do that too. I once read, I believe it was Iyengar told one of his students- who asked him for advice about depression- to do the opposite of how you feel. If you feel like staying in bed all day, dont, get up and out and move. I *know* it is hard sometimes,but it is very important.
Cute boots :-)
Sorry you're not feeling so chipper either :-(
I had someone else suggest sweating out the toxicity. Saunas were mentioned, as well as twenty year olds. (I think the 20 year olds were just a joke, but sometimes I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. Ha!)
The 20 year olds couldnt hurt, I dont think. Sex does release endorphins, and if you do it right you do get sweaty...so hmmm, maybe I'll go find a 20 yr old...or two myself ;-)
Feet? Feh? It's winter and you get to hide them in nice boots.
Is it winter? I have the testimony by phone of relations in law who looked out on snow on lunch break today, and me wandering around with my head double-wrapped. Meds aside, that's reason enough, says I. Actually waking up in the mornings keeps being a surprise.
(Should the comments have a separate disclaimer?)
My complaint today is that I wore the new boots and I cannot run in them. My lack of complaint today is that my ET cash in came through, so I had a nice big fat paycheck. (We already got notice that there will be no wage increases in 2010, and I am wicked afraid that ET cash in will be the next to go.)
You can have sexeh, or you can have athletic. Yesterday, I watched a woman in very cool flats desperately running for a Green Line train at one of those stations where it's easy to throw yourself in front of the trolley. She lost both shoes in the sprint. The merciful driver held up for her. I don't see running in those boots, but I don't see losing them, either.
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