trying real hard

I realized today that the only thing that's helping me feel somewhat calm and not weepy is doing things in my house. This is both good and bad.

Good in that, yeah, I'm doing things in my house. Bad in that this is the kind of thing that leads to things like isolating. The last time I had a serious bout of clinical depression (in the early/mid-90s) the only thing I wanted to do in my free time (i.e. when I wasn't working and D was with his dad) was sit in my house, listen to the radio, and write. Hence my unpublished and unpublishable novel and my love for grunge. While some excellent things did come from this--I became a *much* better writer from the practice and some of the short stories I wrote towards the end of that practice period eventually got published and made me a pittance of money--I can't really recommend staying in the house and not interacting with other people as a permanent coping mechanism, no matter how comforting or even useful it can be. Um, see: my kid.

Anyway. I decided to not take any Ativan today, because I realized after taking it everyday for eight days or so, that my dry mouth, blurred vision, and pounding headache were side effects. D'oh. So I figured I gotta really save it for when I really, really need it and not use it prophylacticly. And what better day not to take it at all than a day when I could stay home all day. So this is what I did.

Packed up 288 books (eight boxes' worth) for donation and emailed to arrange a pickup. Cleaned my kitchen. Put some things away in my sideboard/china cabinet after getting rid of some stuff that didn't belong in there. Vacuumed my dad's room and cleaned up in there a little. Vacuumed the hallway. Did four loads of laundry including my sheets, and changed my bed. Got trash ready for trash day tomorrow. Stowed away some cardboard boxes that really need to be cut up for recycling. (I'll get to it, I'll get to it...mandatory cardboard recycling is like the bane of my existence.) Made short ribs for dinner, and some disgusting instant pudding for the guys. Again, not necessarily in that order. But I did a lot of stuff. I might do some more.

And I only cried for maybe three minutes all day, so there's that.

xoxo