bureaucracy and the crazee

So, yesterday I did two extremely stressful (for me) things. The outcome of one is as yet uncertain and not to be talked about in here, but the second? I mailed my MA state (massage) licensure renewal. Why is that so stressful? (Besides writing out the ridiculously large check, that is?) It's stressful because I am crazee.

I even waited until after lunch with M2 to do this, because I wanted to go over it with her, assuming her renewal had already come up. Unfortunately, I forgot to stick the form in my purse. You may judge me. The whole thing was fraught with uncertainty for me, because in the many-paragraphs long letter that came with the renewal form, one of the things that it said was not to send in your renewal if you didn't have liability insurance. However there were no instructions indicating they wanted to see any proof of that insurance. I read and reread and examined the part you mail back, and as far as I could tell, they weren't asking anywhere for a copy of your insurance certificate. So I confirmed this with M2, who couldn't quite remember, but thought all they wanted was your signature affirming that you aren't cheating on your taxes, you aren't working at an unlicensed facility, and you don't have criminal convictions you haven't reported to the board. And, of course, your big fat check.

So that's all I mailed them. And I'm thinking, okay, I have a whole month till it's actually due, which is plenty of time, if I've made a mistake, for them to mail me back and say so and have me correct it without even incurring a late renewal fee. This should be totally nothing I spend any time fretting about, right? But of course the answer is I am terrified of the bureaucracy.

Any time I have to deal with any governmental agency, I am irrationally scared that any honest mistake I make will be penalized in such a way that it will ruin my life forever. (See why doing my taxes is so fun?) I have no idea where this fear came from and I have no idea how to fix it. Exposure therapy (or whatever it's called) certainly hasn't helped, because no matter how many forms I've filled out in my life, the anxiety that I'll screw up somehow and face horrible consequences remains. It's probably grown worse over time, actually. I'm trying my own little version of CBT, trying to logically think through what's the worst that could happen (i.e. they send my renewal back asking for the proof of insurance and if it's after November 28, I pay the late fee--that's the *worst* that can happen) but it didn't make sealing that envelope and sticking it in the mailbox any easier.

Once again, I recommend that those of you with normal brains hug your parents or send them a thank you card or some such shit, thanking them for the good genetics, because having an abnormal one really isn't that much fun.

xoxo