competitive sport

So I don't know if you've been hearing this in the news or not, but apparently in our crappy tanking economy, the hospitality industry is happy that Valentines Day falls on a weekend this year, 'cause they're sure this means everybody is going out to dinner Saturday night, and all those expensive restaurants could use a good weekend. Well, if this is in fact true, god bless 'em and I'm happy for them. But can we just pause to consider the *other* wonderful benefit of having Valentines Day on a Saturday?

Now those of you who have never worked in an office or similar environment, particularly a predominantly female one, will not know of which I speak, and those of you who have are probably already nodding in recognition. I give you: Valentines Day as a competitive sport! That is, whose husband/boyfriend/guy who's trying hard to get in her pants "loves" her enough to have flowers sent to her office. Because nothing proves your love better than letting your woman flaunt her superiority over the other bitches she works with, yo! Even if the women you work with aren't *actually* bitches--and I have been very lucky in this regard myself--the ability to quietly gloat over the two dozen overpriced roses at your workstation is without price. So to speak.

Alas, I myself am such a pathetic loser that even when I was married or otherwise in a serious committed monogamous relationship, I have never been with a guy who would think to do such a thing. Therefore I am just as happy to see this holiday fall on a weekend and not have even the possibility of the whole He Loves Me Olympiad occurring in my department. (If your SO sends you flowers to work the day before the actual holiday, it's obvious you're just showing off, so you get points deducted.) Yeah, I know, my entire male readership is now shaking their collective heads and muttering, "Chicks, man. They're so fucking weird." Just consider this a public service announcement about the intricacies of female social groups or something and thank me later! Those jewelry store ads pressuring you to buy ugly, ugly diamond crap if you wanna get laid are just lying to you all.

Oh, and so, what have your past loves given you for this "romantic" holiday, Andrea? you ask. Memorably, in college, my future ex-husband gave me a used TV because my roommates and I didn't have, and couldn't afford, one, on the same Valentines Day that I gave him five pounds of gourmet cashews. One of the roommates who benefited from this gift remarked that there was an inequality in the level of our gifts, but really? It was a second-hand TV and he was working full time, while I was a starving student living on air-popped popcorn, and cashews were expensive. I call it even to this day. I should also mention that *this very week* one of my exes (not the one I was married to, because he doesn't get to know my e-mail address for one thing) sent me a "happy valentines day" with an attached porn clip for old times' sake. Ha! Sadly, I could not open the file.

xoxo