Here's an excerpt from a dating self-help book. For women. Naturally.
Edna Pollin, the divorce attorney in Denver, told me that in her experience, many women who divorce their husbands because they "want something more" aren't going to find it. What often happens, she said, is that her ex-husband remarries (someone much younger), and the new wife gets all of his love, companionship, financial support, and caretaking, while the wife who left him ends up in a one-bedroom apartment with a Netflix subscription and no sign of Prince Charming. Then she finally appreciates what she had, but even if her ex-husband is still single, she's caused irreparable damage and he won't take her back.
The premise of this whole book is, apparently: settle. Settle, settle, settle, settle. You'd best marry the first guy who asks you and then hold onto him by any means possible, because you aren't gettin' any younger or prettier, you know. You may very well be getting smarter, more mature, or more accomplished, but none of that is any currency that counts when it comes to hooking a man. And of course you want to hook a man.
Sigh.
I honestly don't know were to start. The fact that there's a whole industry founded on "relationship" books that push similar messages (and remind me that, as a middle-aged woman, I am basically worthless, so I should just start hoarding cats now, kthxbye) is too depressing to even delve into.
Then I remember that in the very same Borders or Barnes & Noble that has a huge selection of this tripe, there's also sure to be a shelf or three of Buddhism books that talk about kindness, mindfulness, and equanimity. And I am slightly appeased. Don't look in the wrong section and all will be well. Namaste.
xoxo
9 comments:
Is it "settling", or, in many cases, "getting a clue"?
In my sample set of one divorce, and from my completely biased male opinion, there's not much to argue with here. In what I know of your sample set of one divorce, and from my completely biased friend-of-Andrea opinion, you might have more to complain about.
I think a lot of women have unreasonable expectations of men, and they become impossible with whom to live (like that prepositional wrestling there?) because of that, just as I think a lot of men are selfish jerks and aren't worth living with, either.
The big question is who learns and who finds a better way to live. I happen to like it when guys' second times around find them with women who appreciate them, just as surely as it would be nice to think that women who are appreciative of their mates can find mates worthy of that appreciation.
Eh. You'd have to read the whole review/article I did, but she is advocating settling. It's even in the subtitle.
The whole premise is: any man is better than no man and since you're rapidly approaching your sell-by date, missy, you'd best stop worrying about shit like love or compatibility or anything that portends future contentment, really, and marry whoever asks you. Then stay married, because having approached or hit your sell-by date, you no longer have any options. If you're a woman.
Of course, in this worldview, I am already so far *past* my sell-by date, if you dumped me out in the sink, I'd be chunky. A big rack means nothing if it isn't perky, and beautiful highlights that are just covering up the gray don't fool anyone. That's leaving aside any other traits like generosity, intelligence, faithfulness, steady employment, or the ability to mostly suppress your gag reflex. None of that's important. Only youthful looks and a functioning, possibly baby-producing uterus.
Whether or not any of this has any merit based on sociological fact, I find it a poisonous cultural message. I don't know if there are any Buddhist dating books, but I'm thinking the premise that concentrating on your own cultivation of lovingkindness means someone or someones are gonna love *you* is better for the heart and soul. Whether it works or not.
There *is* a book called "If The Buddha Dated" ;-) I have it, have read some of it, and it is very good. Recommended by Mr Bill ;-)
Off to find some cats to start hoarding too ;-) Im past my sell by date also. But, my ex-roomie/ex-lover who is now one of my best friends ever, checked out my ass several times last night when we had dinner and said it was lookin' fine...so, Im not worried. *grin*
Get.out. There is a Buddhist dating book??? I gotta go look this up on Amazon :-)
Yes, she has a bunch of books out. She being Charlotte Kasl. She's a psychologist, addiction specialist, author, and a whole bunch of other things.
Here's her bio webpage :http://www.charlottekasl.com/component/content/article/76
The book isnt "Buddhist" but has a lot of Buddhist ideals in it. Its more about having a healthy relationship...after you have figured out some things about yourself and what you want in a relationship. Kind of a combo of Buddhism and psychology. Which I think is great :-)
http://www.charlottekasl.com/component/content/article/76
Thanks!
Have you heard anything about "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach? I'm thinking of buying that.
P.S. I meant to say, the ass-checking-out is probably from all the yoga ;-)
Yoga butt :-)
There is such a thing. I just never realized I had one, till a couple months ago when I happened to spend some time in front of the mirror. Ive lost probably 60 pounds in the past 3-4 years, yoga, cutting out soda completely, walking at least 3 times a week (dog walks) eating healthier...anyways, its paying off, both in health and looks. Now to get some other men to notice besides him...lol.
And I am not familiar with that book, sorry.
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