1.) Mr "Julie, Julie, Julie" Lugo has a possible torn meniscus. Thank you, Jesus!
2.) For the first time in seven--that's seven!--months, my period came just when it was supposed to. Thank you, Jesus! (Or, possibly, Marcy.)
3.) My dad, instead of just moaning, whining, and bitching about how much his shoulder is killing him, gave in and let me give him a massage when I got home from work today. I even snuck some arnica on him. Jesus, deliver me from stubborn men, and thank you!
On the other hand, I am still probably going to hell, because every time they start mentioning on the news about how Donte Stallworth hit a pedestrian "with his Bentley," I start giggling uncontrollably. Something about how we just *have to know* what kind of expensive car he was driving when he killed the poor bastard strikes me as absurdly hilarious.
xoxo
5 comments:
Evidently, Jesus likes decent batting numbers and evidence of hustle on defence as much as present company. But isn't it cruel to toy with Julie like this? Why not just one quick lightning bolt?
It's an Old Testament kinda thing where Julie must be visited with a series of plagues! Merciful god, my ass.
I'm going to insist when the reporters have the microphones in my face someday that they get it exactly right--2003 Honda S2000, and whatever best estimate they can achieve of my speed right before the "incident". I know it doesn't quite have the same cachet as "Bentley", but I gotta believe there's some credit for decent MPH, too.
I'm also hoping, instead of some unnamed pedestrian, (I'm not so much into causing personal tragedy as I am content simply being one), they get me for something newsworthy like crashing into the barriers around an active nuclear reactor, and wondering if, because i'm wearing a beard, I might be one of those domestic terrorists we all keep hearing so much about. (Don't scoff--now that I know where UMass Lowell's is, just off the Boulevard over there by the river, I know it's not out of the realm of imagination).
If you're going to make the news, there's good karma in ensuring that you make it RIGHT!
What?!??! Have you given up on my brilliant plan to make a tanker truck overturn on 128, 495, or some other major highway, preferably at rush hour, preferably closing down all available lanes? Because there's nothing like making all travel in the greater Boston area grind to a screeching halt, IMHO.
On two conditions: First, and foremost, only if me and my little car don't get crushed by the truck and then burned/melted beyond recognition in the ensuing inferno, and, second, that the tanker overturns in such a way that the driver and everybody else nearby aren't hurt. (Unless, of course, they're in a church short-bus their way to an anti-abortion protest, in which case they can all take the opportunity to be that much "nearer their God to thee" and go out singing...
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