I read a blog today in which the writer expressed two contradictory emotions about being a physically large woman. One was that due to the "solidity" of her body, she felt much less afraid and less vulnerable than (she imagined) a smaller woman would feel, both in her work situation--which has some risk of physical assault--and in everyday life. The second was that, even though she doesn't fit society's stereotype of the typically sexually attractive woman, she gets reminders that she still is to many people, and that makes her feel vulnerable.
Whew. Where to start? I guess this is one of those examples of times when you can live in the same universe as another individual and yet experience the world as a completely different place.
As I guess many of you know, I'm a small person. I'm five two (and one time at the doctor's--once!--they told me five two and a half, so when I'm in the mood I claim that) and pretty small boned. I don't think of myself as a teeny tiny person, I'm not that short for a woman and I've got some muscle and some fat on me, but I don't take up that much space. And that has never made me feel vulnerable or more apt to be assaulted or anything. I mean, obviously I can't use my size to intimidate anyone, like some 6'4, 240 lb guy might, but I've never felt like, "oh, I wish I could grow seven inches and put on 70 lbs so I can be a big woman and walk alone at night."
I do walk alone at night. I take the T. I've lived in kinda skeery neighborhoods. And I've never had any kind of assault happen to me. The one time I got in a little bit of trouble that might have been worse, it was totally because I was in a crappy mood and I baited the guy, throwing all my common sense and street smarts to the wind. That's the thing: I see keeping safe as just projecting the right attitude, being alert, using your good sense, and (here's the one you can't control) not being in the very wrong place at the very wrong time. It has nothing to do with the "solidity" of your body, unless, I guess, if that solidity is the only thing that enables *you* to project the right attitude.
And, in my work life, where very rarely there's that encounter with a volatile patient that could escalate, I feel like it's the opposite of being physically intimidating that keeps me safe. It's been my experience that when someone's escalating, it's the calm, soft-spoken, extremely non-threatening demeanor that brings that down a notch or twelve.
As to the second, and more disturbing, thing? Sexual attractiveness equals vulnerability? Really? I'm more apt to see it as equaling power and I feel kind of sad to hear from someone for whom that is so not true. I can't help but wonder (and my apologies if this is offensive to anyone) if that's the hallmark of someone who was sexually abused at a young (or perhaps not-so-young) age. I can't imagine why else someone would be so afraid of their own sexuality and see it as a weakness rather than a strength.
If you all have any better, smarter explanations for that, I'd love to hear them.
xoxo
2 comments:
Fascinating. Fascinating from the POV of a larger-than-healthy person who has spent a good deal of time wondering where the impetus to large came from. I suggest that person's vulnerability might be there no matter what her size.
Sexual attractiveness = vulnerability = abusive past? Could be. I once knew a woman who said she was setting out to gain as much weight as possible so that she would not be attractive and so not be raped again. try that for an eye-opening lunchtime chat.
Abusive past... perhaps...
Or perhaps too much of that old school feminism that "all men are potential rapists" combined with her own inner feelings about her size... she may say she still feels vulnerable, but I wonder if internally one way she feels comfortable with/rationalizes her body shape is that it makes her "less attractive to rape"?
I once had a... friend... who didn't want me to use the word "attractive" about her (and she was, very) because she said to her it meant "attractive to rape". Yeah, she was pretty whacko when it came to sexuality and body image, but that sort of thinking (and inter-sexual fear) is still floating around parts of our culture.
I think for many your analysis is more accurate: sexual attractiveness equals power... an equation that you see being explored all the time amongst teenagers and others playing with and exploiting their own sexuality--just look in at most any dance club. And that's an equation that works just fine amongst gay men, too.
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