None of which includes "don't donate organs you'll want back later," btw.
So, yeah. I'm clicking on links again. I keep telling you people this is always a mistake, yet I insist on repeating the behavior. Monkeys with electrodes on their shaved little heads learn quicker than I. Today's web article is thirteen ways to keep your husband happy. The author's claim to fame is that she's an etiquette expert. That probably qualifies her to tell me which fork to use for the fish course, but I'm not sure it makes her more in tune with pleasing a man than me. (Shut up.) Anyway, let's review her advice, shall we?
Number one--and let me interrupt myself immediately to laugh hysterically about how randomly these tips are arranged--number one: clean your hair out of the shower. Okay. First of all, I did not realize that hair in the shower drain was a pressing problem in most marriages. I have never heard anyone of my acquaintance who has even had one single argument about this. Maybe it's one of those deeply personal problems that people hide from their friends. I dunno. Secondly? Is there anyone alive, with long hair, and over the age of ten, who doesn't know to clean their own hair out of the tub when they're done? I compulsively do it in hotel rooms, for god's sake, because I don't want to squick the chambermaid.
Number two: be understanding of his work schedule. I can't really make fun of this one, except to point out that see what I mean? It seems to be of a whole nother seriousness level than tip number one.
Number three, and I quote: let him play with his friends. I'm not sure who should be more insulted by this one, the man who is being infantalized into someone who needs permission from mommy to "play" with his friends, or the woman who apparently needs to be told it's okay if her husband spends time with people other than her, because obviously all women are clingy neurotic harpies.
Number four: don't let yourself go. The author takes pains to inform us that doesn't mean you need to stay thin or keep your hair long. But apparently you're supposed to keep showering, no longer how long you've been married. Just remember, though. Clean your damn hair out of the drain when you are through.
Number five: buy your own razor. I have no words.
Number six: compliment him, generously and often. Good advice. But we'll come back to it at the end.
Number seven: don't hide the credit card bills. I'd love to be able to say WTF?, if I didn't actually hear women I know talking about how they lie to their husbands about how much something costs or that they've bought something. So I guess some people *are* living 2009 like it's a bad episode of I Love Lucy. Dear god.
Number eight: practice random acts of kindness towards your husband. Also good advice. We'll come back to this as well.
Number nine: don't talk bad about his parents or siblings. Can't really make fun of this either.
Number ten: treat him like you did when you first started dating. The author specifies that that means you should say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me." Really? I thought it meant waxing places you'd really rather not and wearing your good underwear. But then, I'm pretty polite in general.
Number eleven: continue to hide your bodily functions from him. Oh, please. If you're too squeamish to even blow your nose in front of your own spouse, whole other realms of experience are closed to you. And what's gonna happen if you have a baby and your husband wants to be in the delivery room? He's in for quite the shock if he's never even seen you floss, never mind pee.
Number twelve: go on a date with him and do something he likes. The author specifies that perhaps you should go to an action movie instead of a chick flick and that you should have a couple glasses of wine beforehand to make the chase scenes bearable. Oh, the sexism, it burns. Where is this world where *no* women like, y'know, sports or video games or Home Depot (heh) and *no* men like musicals or wine tastings or the mall? And where is this world where people marry other people with whom they have no freaking common interests? Sigh.
And lucky number thirteen: never go to bed angry. The author specifies this is because if your husband can't cuddle you, he won't be able to sleep, and he'll be cranky the next day. Ooookay. How about not going to bed angry so your resentments don't fester and create even more problems? Oh, I guess that's not important. Silly me.
Then, to go back to the two pieces of advice in this pile of nonsense that actually might have some actual merit? Roundly ripped apart by the readers in comment! Apparently you shouldn't have to show appreciation to your husband and you shouldn't do nice things for him because that'll, I dunno, spoil him or something. Bitterness is not just for the already divorced people, I guess.
Salut!
xoxo
3 comments:
Oh, this is good and topical alright.
First of all, it's my shame to say I did indeed marry one of those women who say, and I'm quoting her more or less verbatim, "If I said thank you for all the little stuff, then I'm sure you'd have thought it all was good enough, and then there wouldn't have been any hope that you'd have done anything important for me"--absolutely that "don't do anything nice because it'll spoil him" mentality. (And we've seen where that's gotten the two of us).
She outright and routinely refused to do #'s 1, 5, 6 (covered above), 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, and 13, but in her defense about #13, I absolutely can't stand to sleep cuddled up, (let alone with someone even so much as breathing anywhere on my skin), so I'm willing to give her a free pass on that one.
#3 is the one that got us in the end, because she actually *did* let me play with my friends, but it turned out to be a major problem for me, and, hence, us, that she could care less what it was that I was doing when I was doing it.
So, if there were a list of things for husbands not to do, I could think of at least one to put right at the top of the list...
My question is...what are the husbands doing for their wives? Are they also cleaning their hair out of the drain and being polite and not letting themselves go and such?
Because, in my never been married opinion...it should work both ways.
Yeah, this list resembles that list somewhere from the 50's of how to be the perfect housewife.
There *was* a matching list for husbands, and it was full of equally a.) obvious b.) trivial or c.) weirdly sexist advice.
For example, I believe #1 was "don't swear in front of your wife." I mean, "don't swear *at* your wife" is stellar advice, 'cause no one likes being called a fucking asshole even when they deserve it, (trust me, I've been on both sides of that marital speedbump :-)), but I really don't think in 2009, most women are shrinking violets who need their delicate ears shielded from manly man profanity. The whole thing was very odd, but that's what I get for ::repeat after me:: CLICKING ON LINKS!
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