My doorknob malfunctioned and I was locked in my bedroom. I was like, huh. I have no tools in here to take the doorknob off. How'm I getting out? (In future I'll have to start sleeping with a screwdriver beneath my pillow.) Luckily my son was awake, heard me rattling the knob, and came up to see if I needed help.*** Then he freed me with a very specialized piece of equipment, by which I mean a quarter. One two three: you can't make this shit up! That would have been the best call-in of all time: "Uh, yeah, I'd love to come to work, but unfortunately I am trapped in my bedroom." Okay, okay, I could have done an Evil Kitty move, popped out my window screen and climbed out onto the garage roof if I really had to. None of the neighbors were probably awake at 5:45 on a Saturday to witness it, so I'd have even probably kept my dignity intact. If I didn't break anything getting off the roof.
Speaking of you can't make this shit up: prison bus convo the other day. Young woman bitching on her cell phone for twenty straight minutes about someone (relative? freeloading friend?) who is living at her house and pissing her off at every turn. "She don't want to work. She wants to sit at home all day, smoking and eating. She's a stripper--she can't afford to get any fatter!" Ell. Oh. Ell. Honey, you just said she doesn't want a job. What does she care if she outgrows her pasties and thong?
xoxo
***People who live alone: learn from my experience and keep tools in your nightstand! Though I guess most people who live alone don't close their bedroom doors at night? I would anyway in the winter, because it maximizes my space heater output. It was like a sauna in there this morning. Cozy! But, yeah, my skin looks like shite.
2 comments:
Mr Indemnity told me blogger refuses to let him comment on this post, and sent me his remarks in email:
[quote]So isn't being a stripper "work"?
And isn't staying home all day smoking and eating pretty much what
rich people want to do?
Seems she's got plenty of ambition. :-)
OK, being locked in one's bedroom is scary, especially if you don't
have, say, a phone to call for help. However, I do usually close my
bedroom door when I go to sleep cause it cuts down on the noise from
the elevator and the busy street outside my livingroom (though sadly,
not the parking lot outside my bedroom, as the garbage truck let me
know this morning). Oh, and in the winter it lets the humidifier
work.
You probably remember the story of when I got locked inside my
apartment and the deadbolt had to be cut in half to free me? At least
I didn't need to go to work that day! Now I'll probably have to keep
a screwdriver in my bedroom, too. :-(
[/quote]
1.) She's apparently an unemployed stripper, though. Probably got axed by a size-ist boss :-)
2.) I remember you getting trapped in your apartment very well, mainly because I was shocked to realize you really only have one means of egress. I fear for you when all your piled up unread Boston Globes go up in flames :-P
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