like a horror movie, only bettah

Oh, hai. I know nobody's reading--a good portion of all y'all are on vacation this week, unlike your hard-working (ha!) blog hostess I might add, or otherwise occupied with your "lives" n' shit--but I will nevertheless babble on. It's what I do. Consistency and all.

So today I decided to move out my refrigerator and clean behind it while I was also cleaning the hell out of the rest of the kitchen. The reason for that we'll get to later<--foreshadowing, bitches. Now lemme say this. You all know I am seriously domestically challenged in some matters. There are huge holes in my knowledge base when it comes to these things and also a certain disinterest. I tend to clean what I can see is dirty when I notice it's dirty (which sometimes is promptly and sometimes is well after a naturally housekeeping-alert person would notice same) and clean everything else when the planets align correctly. Or never. Whichever comes first. Which is all leading up to the fact--which you can probably guess, 'cause my readers are an intelligent bunch--that I haven't moved the refrigerator all the way out in, well, a number of years that would probably embarrass the average person to admit. I, on the other hand, have no shame. But also? In my defense, I didn't realize that refrigerator pulled out so easily. <--more foreshadowing, yo.

I wish I had taken pictures. There was in places about half an inch of...gunk...stuck to the floor. Also, dust bunnies so big that one of them actually clogged the hose in my dyson. I had to take it apart to clear it out. It takes one hell of a killer dust bunny to disable an expensive vacuum cleaner. You have to admit that's impressive. I turned three buckets of water/Mrs Meyers pitch black before I got all the gunk off the floor. That's also pretty impressive. If I do say so myself.

It occurs to me that "normal" people probably pull out their refrigerator and clean behind and under it like twice a year or something. (The first person who tells me no, they do that every month, is getting a punch in the head.) I dunno. Where's the satisfaction in that? When you do it every ::mumble:: years, it's a fun big project that leaves you feeling like you've really accomplished something, *and* gives you amusing anecdotes. When you do it twice a year, it's just another tedious chore.

After I did that, I washed my walls and my cabinets. Remember the last time I decided to completely degrease everything in my kitchen? That lead to a trip to the ED and then three months of freaking out I was going blind from eye fungus. Fun times! I did not spray anything above my head and look up at it today. Who says I never learn from experience? Also, washing my cabinet doors only took like an hour or two as opposed to two days like it did then. See, you do *that* every two years and you get no good stories out of it. Sigh. I have to say, however, that with the new hardware I put on the cabinets then and keeping them clean and without a build-up of dulling crud on them, I have decided I actually kind of like them, unfashionable as they may be. Which is just as well, because they aren't getting torn out anytime soon.

Now here's where we go back to why I tried to move the refrigerator and I ask you for an opinion. Which is a waste of fucking typing because a.) y'all aren't reading and b.) any time I ask for opinions or advise, no one can even be arsed to give me some anyway. (I swear, it's okay to tender advice. I won't hold you to it. If I don't like it, I won't take it. NO PRESSURE.)

As mentioned previously, I've been looking at lighting. Looking at lighting for the hallway has me also looking at lighting for the kitchen. And thinking about other things for the kitchen. I've been reading design/decorating forums again. Someone on one of these forums where people have fancy shmancy kitchens, many of which are the size of some people's friggin apartments, said she had moved into a new house with a kitchen that still had cabinets from the 50s but had vinyl flooring that had been put in within the last ten years. And to her surprise, she found she kinda loved it. Not the looks of that particular vinyl, but the fact that it was soft and warm and very easy to care for and didn't shatter whatever you dropped on it. She started asking about alternative flooring to the standard fancy shmancy hardwood or tile in kitchens. (You may or may not remember, but two years ago when I was last thinking about this *I* told y'all I didn't want tile or hardwood in the kitchen, no matter that I was supposed to.) People told this lady about trendy shit like cork and marmoleum, but a surprising number of them said, hell, yeah, luxury vinyl tile! It's come a long way and you shouldn't discount it. Then they showed pictures of their fancy shmancy houses with vinyl flooring in their kitchens or baths or laundry rooms or mudrooms.

Which eventually led to to looking at this on the Home Depot website.

At least in the picture, it is very close to the wood color of my cabinets, my baseboards and my hardwood in the other rooms. It is also dirt cheap. I think I figured it out and it would cost me like $300 for a new floor. And all the reviews say it's ridiculously easy to install and looks good. (Except for the one disgruntled customer. There's always one disgruntled customer. Who types in all caps.) So I was thinking about it. It's floating. You put it down on top of the floor you got. That's why I experimentally tried moving the refrigerator, because I thought that might be a bitch. It wasn't. I don't even think I'd have to move the stove. The vinyl that's in there now doesn't go all the way to the wall beneath it.

So my question is, do you think I could attempt this? I was thinking I could maybe bribe a couple of my friends who also know nothing about installing floors to help me with it in exchange for food. Just for, y'know, moral support. (Mr Indemnity, if I could convince him to help, is at least good at measuring shite. I helped him put up new curtain rods a few months ago and he was very precise with that measuring tape. Ell oh ell.)

Okay. I'ma go wash my kitchen floor, because the rest of that hasn't been done yet.

xoxo