Today's mail: an invitation to my cousin's wedding *in Monongahela* addressed to Ms Andrea Lastname + guest.
Oh, how fucking incredibly generous of them to invite the black sheep divorced person to bring a date to a wedding they know damn well I will not attend. (When said cousin's sister got married here on the North Shore four years ago, was I invited to bring a guest? Why, no! No, of course not!) It makes me want to start looking up airfares to Pennsylvania, I'll tell you what. But, alas, even spite is not a good enough reason to spend that money nor suffer through a tedious wedding reception. Or go to Monongahela for that matter.
For a person as full of the milk of human kindness as I am (remember: love is free, love me, say HELL YES), I really do dislike most of my extended family. It's a sad conundrum.
Help me see this in a more generous light.
xoxo
11 comments:
I think it's spelled "Monongahela" ;-)
They have baseball in Pittsburgh, as well as Iron City beer, and they hate the Flyers, so there's all that for starters. I'm guessing D and dad aren't wingman candidates, so just let us know where to send the applications.
Yeah, yeah, you just keep on pointing out my sad inability to spell and you see if you get invited to any weddings I'm not attending, mister. :-PPPPP
That seems pretty obviously to be an unvitation.
I'm sure you've seen enough Seinfeld to know where that can lead were you to actually take them up on it.
Although with current airfare competition to Pittsburgh (unlike before when it was strictly USAir) you could probably get a cheap flight and surprise them all. Cheaper than flying to India, anyway.
I'd only be going if I got to wear one of those little CIA earpieces tuned into a little tiny microphone strategically placed so that I could hear every under-the-breath comment as it's made. It would be like having my very own play-by-play announcer at a train wreck, (which would not be the same as having a play-by-play announcer who IS a train wreck, and, yes, Mr. McCarver, we're talking about YOU), and I have to believe that any wedding, no matter how odious, would be grade-A entertainment with that going for it.
I swear, you could sell tickets and basically be flying for free.
You don't even know the best part about the groom, but that's a fact probably best saved for email! :-)
Just whisper it into your spy decoder microphone...
For what it's worth, I think dislike of the the extended family is a sign of inner stability. All those people who say otherwise are either full-bore liars or in serious denial.
Unvitation or not, it's be a hoot to go...with camera phone poised to catch the shocked expressions.
But, is there anyone in your fan club presentable enough to play "guest?"
Oh, Mr Barma swears he would really go with me if I really wanted to go--if only to hear me go on about the proceedings--and he is not only presentable, he is one damn fine-looking man. A handsome devil is our Mr Barma. (Plus, he punched a goat once. I'm sure that skill could come in handy in western PA.)
But, srsly, Monongahela is too far to for spite. Even for me. :-)
Too far to *go* for spite. Why oh why can you not edit comments?
Is punching goats a version of tipping cows? Actually, I seem to recall seeing Mr Barma once, and I agree he'd qualify, goats or no goats.
I think you are confusing Mr Barma with one or another of my other friends, because the times you and I have been in the same place at the same time would have been before Mr Barma and I would have been out socializing together.
Which isn't to say you *haven't* ever seen Mr Barma, just that if it wasn't with me, I'm not sure how you'd know it was our Mr Barma, his real identity being a super secret, much like, y'know, Batman, hahaha.
But, trust. He has some resemblance to Johnny Depp, especially around the eyes. My female relatives would be so *jellus* if I showed up at a wedding with him :-) :-) (And, once again, I'm so glad no one reads this far down into the comments.)
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