Here's a quote from Elsewhere. For context, this is a man in his early 40s whose wife is a former personal trainer who has "let herself go." She's 5'3 and now 165lbs. So, a little chubby, yeah, but not, y'know, Discovery Channel needs-to-be-cut-out-of-her-house fodder. Here's what her loving spouse has to say:
The hard part is giving compliments that are not true. She has talked to me about that. Wants be (sic) to tell her she is sexy, but that is hard to do. I tell her I love her all the time and that she is beautiful, but she has 42% bodyfat. I feel if I lie and say she is sexy, then she will think "Oh he is happy with me just like I am." Maybe I am wrong I don't know.
I honestly am perplexed. Is "sexy" totally determined by someone's looks, most specifically their body's looks, to this guy? To most guys? Is "hot" the only thing that equals sexy? I know all y'all are supposed to be visual creatures, but sexy has so many other components to me this does not compute.
Is a beautiful woman with whatever is your personal perfect body type still sexy if she never wants to have sex? What if she's willing to have sex but it's a very small and rigid set of things she'll do and she's never willing to try anything else? What if she's willing to have sex but she doesn't much care for it and is bored or passionless? What if she loves sex but she's selfish and it's all about what she likes, and your needs and likes are unimportant? Isn't sexiness more of an attitude than a look? Wouldn't you rather fuck an enthusiastic, generous, experimental, skilled "six" than an uptight, joyless, selfish "ten"? ARE THESE LEADING QUESTIONS (from a 6.5)? Ha!
Seriously, menfolk, tell me what's going on in your heads and penises. If your wife gained 40 pounds but you loved her and she was still the freakazoid she always was, would you not want to do her? Explain.
xoxo
5 comments:
First of all, the "personal trainer" clue suggests possibility that Elsewhere may have been the sort of shallow type for whom "sexy" is 110% visual, and might have absolutely nothing to do with any of the other categories you offer in your questionnaire. It also suggests possibility that Elsewhere's wife may have been the shallow type for whom gaining a husband ended the competitive portion of her program, and all she may want to do from here on out is sit on the couch, eat bon-bons, and be told she's sexy without every actually having to do anything to deserve the description. (Yes, I can be a cynic, but I'm just offering some possibilities here).
For my part, absent all Elsewhere considerations, I'd start out by pointing out that, like a lot of other men, I'm one of those visual creatures for whom looks do matter when calculating sexual attraction. (I'll excuse myself by saying that my preference for sexual looks does not resemble or depend on magazine centerfold standards, but lets not digress too far). If I were to have become sexually attracted to one particular appearance, it would not necessarily mean that I would be sexually attracted to every other permutation/perversion of that appearance, and it might be quite reasonable that 30 or 40 pounds on a 5'3" frame would push me and my sexual attraction into a new category. (Works both ways--I'm no fan of skinny, either). I'll also attach a giant asterisk to all this and point out that sexual attraction can be stand-alone, or it can be generated as part of a "complete package" offer, and sexual attraction that is a composite consequence of other emotional attractions is not so easily influenced by a little body-type variation.
The rest is too big for one post, so it will be continued...
To your questions, and to offer my opinion:
1) A woman is NEVER sexy if she never wants to get naked and have sex. Never. I don't care if she's Selma Hayak hot, she's not sexy if she isn't eager to get naked. Period. No exceptions. We're defining sexy here, not "pretty" or "worth looking" at. Sexy. Sexy means sex.
2) A woman is only as sexy as she wants to get naked and have sex, (see point #1 above), and she's also only as sexy as she makes her guy want to get naked and have sex too, and, yes, boredom subtracts points from the potential score. A "small and rigid" set of things is a possible recipe for "who cares", and that's no way to be sexy, either. If that small and rigid set of things encompasses everything necessary to keep a guy (me in this case) interested, then who cares. But if it's only in one position and in the dark (back to that visual thing) it's not going to cut it.
3) Expounding on the "makes her guy want to get naked and have sex too" point above, if a woman doesn't much care for it and is bored or passionless, my past failed marriage is proof enough that this also fails to meet the "sexy" standard. I know a lot of guys for whom this isn't a problem, and I've always been jealous of their complete ability to have absolutely no concern or consideration for what might or might not be going on while they get theirs, but it's certainly a problem for me. Give this one an asterisk.
4) Guys being visual, and reliably orgasmic, there's really far less of concern about a "selfish" lover than might be imagined by a woman. He's enjoying what he sees, and he's getting off--that's certainly a pretty good lay in the books of most men. I'd say I'd perhaps enjoy more, and perhaps a lot of guys would too, but, if the question is binary, then I'd say this one still gets rated as "sexy".
5) Back once again to that visual thing, I'd recommend your comparative be amended to an equivalency, to say that, to me, "sexiness is as much an attitude as a look". Being turned on is part of the equation, and, I'm sorry to say for those 165 lb 5'3" ex-personal trainers, it's quite possible that the looks don't flip the switch should extenuating circumstances (e.g. a rabid eagerness to behave like an extremely kinky rabbit) be absent, too. The scale is sliding, so freakiness can move the needle quite a ways, but the two aren't entirely unrelated.
6) All points above aside, yes, I would take the enthusiastic, generous, experimental, skilled "six" every single time. (And I do). Guys who don't get it being essential to the sexual availability of such gems, I would advise that you don't look to me to broadcast this too loudly.
My wife was the one who continued to appear sexy, but lost all interest. They're just as profound a turn-off as the slovenly beast whose appearance mirrors her motivation to BE sexy.
Asking ones disinterested spouse "am I sexy?" is NOT sexy. Sexy is as sexy does. If she spent half the time she spends feeling sorry for herself and letting her sexuality depend on hearing some words that may or may not be true or believed, and instead thinking about how her husband actually likes actual sex, including how it looks, then I'm sure things could quite likely be quite different all around.
I.love.it. Actual essay question answers! We'll just assume Mr Barma is procrastinating on a work project this morning ;-)
And because I couldn't exactly ask questions about this so easily, let me just add that there are other non-visual components to "sexy" for me besides loves sex and is good and fun in bed.
There's a pheremone component for me; the men I have been most sexually attracted to over my life time smell "right" to me. To the point that I like the way their sweat smells. Which tends to amuse or, perhaps, horrify them when I want to stick my nose in their pits, but it is what it is. Sniffing pits is shmexxy, right? Shut up.
There's a certain attitude towards non-sexual parts of life that also makes me juicy. A kind of playful, boyish enthusiasm towards things. When I come across this, it's very sexy.
I don't think smell pheremones change which is probably why I have a lonnnngggg history of ex-sex or ex-almost-sex with the gentlemen who've tripped that trigger for me. But the playfulness and boyish enthusuasm can be lost and that sucks away the attraction more than gaining weight or other physical changes would/could.
Summation: I've been sexually active for 32 years now and I'm *still* figuring out sexual attraction works for yous as opposed to how it works for me (us?).
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