My dad's oldest brother is still alive. Barely. He was too frail to come to the funeral, can no longer walk, is completely blind. My auntie J can only leave him for maybe half an hour at a time. She came to the funeral home just briefly Wednesday, apologizing that she couldn't stay, and asked gently if my dad had been ill for long. I told her, no, that basically he had just dropped dead. We agreed, as you do, that it's preferable to many of the alternatives. "Like poor uncle B," I said. "Suffering so much. And you--it's so hard on you." She grasped my hand, looked me in the eye, and said simply, "It's hell."
That afternoon, after the funeral, when I got my mail, there was a card in there from her daughter, my cousin C. C wrote that she was sorry to hear of my dad's passing, and that, unfortunately, since she and her husband had recently moved to Florida, she couldn't be at the funeral. I have to admit, I was shocked. Her father is basically dying very very slowly, and her mother is in what she herself refers to as "hell", and they just decided now was the time to pick up and move away? Now, admittedly, C is at least 15 years older than me, so retirement age, and I'd heard they had inherited a condo in FL from her husband's parents. But the times I've gone to see my uncle when he was in the hospital over the last few years, C was always there with auntie J, helping out. It seemed like they were close.
I don't know if C reached a point where she cracked and just couldn't do any more. I don't know if C's husband said "if you don't move to Florida with me, our marriage is over." I don't know if C and auntie J had a falling out. I don't know if auntie J urged her to move while she had the chance, not anticipating how hard it would be without her around, or not caring. I don't know if there's a fifth possibility I'm not entertaining. But in any of those cases, all I can think is, how could you leave your mother?
I was thinking about this today on my way home from the grocery store, thinking about how unfair I'm being. C has two brothers. Why do I think she should be the one to shoulder the responsibility? Why don't I automatically assume they are, and should be, doing everything they can to help with my uncle B? Would I have been shocked if the card from Florida had been from one of them? Why not? Why do I assume, unconsciously or consciously, that if you are a woman, you will, you should, caretake? How is that fair to anyone, woman or man? It's kinda amazing to be slapped upside the head by your own sexist assumptions and prejudices, when you think you're all feminist, not to mention rational.
And I still want to say, but...but how could you leave your mother? Sigh.
xoxo
1 comment:
I suppose it's a question of who will shoulder. Can't go by my family--another one that put the "dys" in dysfunctional--but my spouse and her sisters put life on hold when their last surviving aunt began the long slide. It didn't seem strange to me--and I might have done the same in their place. But then, my viewpoint can be a bit skewed.
However, you have your own load right now. It's enough to handle that without taking on any more.
Enough Uncle-speak.
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