Performance-enhancing drugs, papi? I am so disappointed. Tsk.
Last night I made a public apology for ever having said, "Jason Bay? Jason Bay? That's all they could get for Manny?" Today I would like to double that apology and go to wherever it is that Mr Jason Bay lives and, like, kiss his cleats or something. I am not worrrthy.
How much you want to bet Man-well spends his *fifty game* suspension in the DR, by the pool, counting his pile o' money without a care in the world?
xoxo
6 comments:
That's MISTER Jason Bay to the rest of the world.
I'll be fascinated to learn exactly what got detected, with today's denial that it's a steroid, and that it was a prescribed medication. I'm guessing it's one of those masking agents, and there's a good reason Manny's insisted on wearing those loose-fitting uni's all these years.
The scarier prospect is wondering if Papi's decline might have anything to do with his lack of proximity to his dealer, I mean his friend, Manny. (Blasphemy, yes I know, but just look at the stats this year).
All I know is that there's NO WAY that Dustin Pedroia has been taking HGH, so at least we won't have to worry about that sort of revelation. (I'm betting Jason Bay only drinks organic milk, too).
Now, if only Nancy would fail this kind of a drug test--it would fix EVERYTHING. (Except that mess at shortstop, but one thing at a time).
Can't we fix it to plant something on Julie...bribe a provider or something? Oh I know, if he was on the juice, he'd play better. Shit.
I think I can draw a line from the drugs to Manny's erratic behaviour to me losing the nail on my big right toe. Benevolent L knows this story -- my pitiful brush with fame. A guy on my baseball team works for Reebok -- Manny had an endorsement contract with them so they made him custom designed shoes every year -- left foot size 12, right foot size 11 1/2. Anyway, two years ago, after they made him his batch of custom designed shoes, he suddenly bailed on them and signed with Adidas. Right, Manny just being Manny. The Reebok guy on my team brought Manny's unclaimed new shoes to a game and asked if anybody could fit that size. The left shoe fit me perfect and I was willing to live with a snug fit on the right shoe, for the glory of that number 24 sewn right into the leather. Plus they were free. But it was a big mistake. I'm a pitcher, see, and after the game something felt funny. The nail on the big toe was lifted and dead and took half the summer to fall off. Replacement nail grew under, of course, but now every season first game it gets killed again -- I did it again just two weeks ago, even though I don't wear Manny's shoes anymore. Who knows. Maybe something in those shoes was just as chemically treated as Manny.
So it turns out Man-well was supposedly taking ladies' fertility drugs to reset his testosterone production after (a presumed) steroid cycle. And, yes, Nancy failing a drug test would be fabulous, except, like Julie, wouldn't the presence of performance-enhancing drugs presume he was actually, y'know, *performing*? No one would believe it with Nancy and Julie's levels of suckitude.
And, S, I don't know what I am more tickled about: that you once wore Manny's shoes or that now we know Manny's feet are two different sizes. Bummer about your toenail, though. (But it's a much better story than how I destroyed *my* big toenails climbing Mt Marcy...wait for it...wait for it...THE HIGHEST PEAK IN THE ADIRONDACKS. :-))
Maybe he's been missing the estrogen since he stopped breastfeeding...
But are we actually *sure* he stopped? Or, rather, that he hasn't resumed?
Because, really, when Manuel Aristides goes back to the DR, it's *probably* possible to buy the milk supply of one of those Haitian women who cross the border to sell their babies for $15 and for short money too, you know? Who says "wet nurse for obscenely wealthy American baseball player" isn't some poor woman's dream job?
Just sayin'. :-)
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