i'm not ded

Oh, hai, peeps. Happy Easter! <--see what I did there?

I received a phone call yesterday, somewhat concerned that there've been no posts in here in six weeks. My caller wanted to make sure that a.) I wasn't ded and b.) if I were ded, she'd have been notified. I had to agree that to forestall that sort of speculation I really *should* have put up an On Vacation...On Sabbatical...On Hiatus...Going Out of Business Sale post. Here ya go!

Here's the thing, kids. I think this blog has reached the end of its natural lifespan. No one was reading and no one was commenting and it takes the amusement that I used to find in The Adventures away. I'm writing elsewhere. I put up a few posts a month on my fitness blog, though since that's real writing requiring actual subject matter and youtube videos and google image searching, even when I have a really good idea, sometimes it takes awhile for me to get around to it. Because, bitches, I'm lazy. I also have a journal on a weightlifting board I post on and there's a lot of cross-talk and joking around and moral support amongst my fellow journalers. And since we don't stay on topic and only post our workouts, I feel free to rant, post music videos, and occasionally discuss what I might or might not buy on there. So that fulfills my need to post daily minutiae and, y'know, have people tell me I'm cracking them the hell up. I will admit I stay far away from political or social issues on there and that every time I overhear an epic cell phone conversation, I still have to sit on my hands from posting that shit all up in here. Oh, well. One cannot have everything.

So, carry on, Adventurers! We'll always have the Prison Bus.

xoxo and some more xoxo

wow

Apparently the doc that saved my kid's life has been arrested for rape and assault and battery on his estranged wife. I would be remiss in not reporting to you all that the argument began over Red Sox tickets. Also, that the wife reports he's been verbally and physically abusive for the past few months and she attributes that to steroids he is taking for his ears.

Okay, now that all those tragic yet hilarious facts and/or allegations are out of the way, let's discuss my shock. I literally think of this man as The Guy Who Saved D's Life. He was the one who said let's stop messing around, trying this drug and that drug, and go to the clozapine. He was the one who kept him in when the insurance company wanted him released, because he knew he wasn't close to stable yet. And more than that, he was the guy I'd see on the ward on weekend afternoons in shorts and a tee shirt, who always, if he saw me in the hall, would pull me aside to talk, to ask for my input on how things were going and what I was observing, and then would actually pay attention to what I'd told him. He seemed like a smart doctor, but he also seemed like a good guy. The whole beating up a woman over bad Red Sox tickets and then allegedly raping her didn't seem like the kind of behavior I would expect from him.

I hope he's innocent!

xoxo

this is why men should have absolutely no say regarding women's reproductive health

This nonsense right here. Contraception is not just the purview of (what these dudes imagine as) slutty teenagers and college girls, the thoughts of whom they most likely beat off to every night. Nice married (OMG, church-going!) women depend on birth control pills, implants, IUDs, and so forth as well. Let's say, conservatively, that the average woman spends 30 years of her life both fertile and sexually active. Let's say that average woman has two children, both of whom she spent three months trying to conceive, and both of whom she nursed for 6 months (not that you're supposed to count that as contraception, I hasten to add.) Let's say neither she nor her spouse gets surgically taken care of post the second baby and they stay married to each other. Okay, maybe that's not average anymore, but stay with me. Let's say that before she enters into her long-lasting marriage the woman has a couple of dry spells in between relationships.

This woman will need some sort of birth control for 25 years.

Not to mention that many many many women are on hormonal birth control even if they're not sexually active or with fertile partners, just to regulate their hormones/menstrual periods. (Does the Pope oppose that, too?)

But, no, birth control pills just exist so loose skanks who don't know how to keep their legs closed don't get knocked up with 15 illegitimate children. Wait. Are we supposed to want loose skanks to have 15 illegitimate children? Yo, Republicans? Wouldn't that cost taxpayer dollars somehow somewhere?

In summary, if you do not now or have not ever possessed a uterus and a coupla ovaries, shut the fuck up about women's shit. Thank you.

Bastards.

xoxo

did I mention that i hate...

Pete Bouchard?

Last night D fell asleep watching TV in his room, so at eleven when I was going upstairs I went in to wake him up to tell him to take his bedtime pills. This unfortunately coincided with Mr Bouchard appearing on D's television, where he proceeded to tell me that there's a storm forming out by Las Vegas which will be here by Sunday and could be OMFG! a major nor'easter, as bad as the one in October which OMFG! caused all those power outages! Oh and btw? All the computer models are showing it going south of us. BUT MAYBE THAT WON'T HAPPEN AND YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!!!! I mean, the jet stream would have to totally change but OMG! OMFG! START WORRYING NOW!!!! Just in case.

I can't even. I said some very bad words in the direction of the TV.

Mr Indemnity forwarded me an article yesterday, as is his wont, under the email subject line "France socializes the vagina." He's very lucky the coffee I spewed did not end up on my laptop keyboard. All I'm sayin'. He then told me I ought to blog about this development. Um, the socialized vaginas, not the coffee spewage. However, we the management of The Adventures do not take requests. Sorry! Besides, I can only get worked up about one thing at a time and today is Mr Bouchard's turn. Again.

xoxo

more questions, comments, and general stuff

I know I'm just talking to myself, but, hey, if you cannot amuse yourself, whom can you amuse?

1.) Question! Do you ever see old people smoking and think, "Damn. Beat the odds."?

2.) Question! Do you ever read my writing and realize I have very little idea how to properly punctuate most shiz?

3.) Question! Be that as it may, do you ever follow that train of thought about the old people smoking and then think, "They must be really stupid. It's only been about 40 years since every single person in America has known smoking causes cancer and they haven't decided to quit yet?"

4.) Question! Do you then realize that since they've lived to be old and haven't succumbed to cancer yet, maybe they're having the last laugh?

5.) Question! Does the phrase "be that as it may" actually mean anything if you stop to think about it?

6.) Comment! I appear to be having my period again. Question! Does this mean I have successfully reversed my menopause and I can quit worrying about vaginal atrophy for a while?

7.) Comment! I had a rack pull PR (<--"personal record", keep up, would you?) last night in the gym and I would like to brag: 185x3. I think this means I am close to being able to deadlift any of you all. Well, maybe if you were more ergonomically shaped. I could probably drag you out of a burning building though, especially if my adrenaline kicked in! This is why you want to be my friend.

8.) Comment! I have spared all y'all all kinds of celeb news. If you don't know that Oprah is Beyonce and Jay-Z's baby's godmother or that Rihanna is ::sad face:: friends with (i.e. most likely fucking) Chris Brown again, it is probably my fault.

9.) Comment! An online acquaintance of mine from RI is doing "anti-gravity yoga" which basically involves being suspended from the ceiling by bungee cords. It looks *awesome*. Questions! Why don't we have that here? How can RI possibly be more advanced than Massachusetts in anything? It's the same damn place, just smaller.

10.) Rhetorical question! How much are the Red Sox gonna suck this year? Prediction: epic suckage! Epic!

11.) Well wishes! Happy Friday, kids!

xoxo

49 2/12ths

...and I did something an hour or so ago that I have never done before. I took completely naked pictures of myself.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Late to the party. Digital cameras have been around for, what?, 15 years? Plus, we
did have Polaroid back in the day. But here it is, 2012, and just now I am getting around to doing something every sexting 15 year old does before they finish freshman year.*** Should have done it years ago. It's very instructive. Here's what I learned.

1.) Naked pictures can look better than, say, underwear pictures because (in my case, anyway) the underwear just bisects one's fat and calls attention to it and makes it bulge in ways it wouldn't when it's set free. Free your adipose!

2.) Finding the side/camera angle which makes you look best is very pleasing. I kinda knew from all the underwear shots I've taken of myself in the bulking/dieting progress pictures what view of me looks "best", but naked? Boobs look best from that angle too! Win-fucking-win situation, kids. I cropped my face/head out of the two pictures I liked best and saved them on this laptop. I intend to look at themwhenever I feel old/fat/ugly/undesirable and delude myself into thinking I really look to other people the way I look in those shots. And should this computer ever get stolen, que sera sera. I defy anyone to prove they're me. None of my identifiable marks are showing and that could be anyone's bathroom door. The towels hanging on it came from Tarzhay. I'm fairly sure approximately 2.4 million other people have exactly the same ones.

3.) Taking naked shots of yourself from your bad side/angle and living to tell about it is also pleasing. Many of us female type people have spent years of our lives not wanting anyone to see us fully undressed, never mind documenting it. Looking at the non-good pics and realizing the world hasn't come to an end is another step to freeing yourself from body shame and self-hatred. It lessens the power that kind of thing can have.****

I think that's all I have to say about that.

xoxo

***I'm not sexting mine to anyone. Settle the fuck down.

****Tangent: I took a life drawing class once with nude models and I subsequently always wanted to be one of those models. A.) because I would be awesome at it--I can hold perfectly still for long periods of time no problem. B.) I realized that this was probably the most purely nonjudgmental situation in which anyone would ever look at me naked and that, mired in my occasional/frequent bodily self-loathing as I was at the time, that would be very therapeutic for me.

well, that was disappointing

But I prefer to think of it as a benign and loving Supreme Being saying, "Bitch, please. I gave you a body that people will pay you millions of dollars to stick lingerie on and then walk down a runway. Now you want your husband to win his football game too? Talk to me again when you're praying for world peace or something."




However the snacks and drinks were good at my house and I did enjoy the car commercial with the vampire tailgate party!




And it's February 6. Look out your window. Is there snow on the freakin' ground? Life is good. I rest my case.

xoxo